You get my hopes so high and I'm so deeply in love with you that you have the sole ability to break my heart. I took a risk and chose to be by your side no matter what. You got the best of me, I'm so predictable when I'm around you. I broke down my tallest wall to fall in love with a man who has to leave constantly. No other girl can wait for you like me, I'm so lonely. I want to hold your hand every time I get sick. We're both stuck in situations we cannot change but all we have left to do is to support each other and fight through it together. I can barely breathe when you whisper how much you miss me. I find myself crying in moments that remind me of you. We've come so far, we can't give up. When you're miles away, I think of your walk and your face, suddenly things are OK. They say we're crazy to take such a big step when we're so young, but who cares? when you love a marine, you can't let a moment slip by. My main purpose is to be your marine wife. When I risked my life to chase you, I knew that maybe I can't live my life without you. I wish I could take your place. Just to know that you're not in harm's way and safe, I can live each day with peace of mind. I pray for you more than myself. One thing I learned is how painful love can be, but it makes it so worthwhile in the end. I always say, in love, the good always outweighs the bad. I cant ever see myself leaving you behind. Teach me how to be a better person and hold my hand when I fight through this tough challenge. I know I can't be your first priority, but I'll always encourage you to keep going when you cant see the sun. Remember, two is better than one.

I've been away from my blog since I've been dealing with a lot lately. I got back together with my ex boyfriend who I dated on and off for 3 years. It's a long complicated story but i'll attach the story at the bottom of how it all worked out for us. All I have to say is, I AM SO HAPPY! I have never in my life been this happy! Ever since my boyfriend and I fell in love, my illness hasn't bothered me nearly as much as it used to. I feel like a new person and I feel so much more energetic and healthier. Everyone has noticed too. I gave up drinking, abusing prescription drugs, bad relationships, etc. I basically got my shit together and became more mature and productive. The only hard part about being with my boyfriend, is he's currently a United States Marine. I love him for what he does and im so proud of him. I love that he's fighting for our freedom and country and protects his fellow marines, but it's so scary and hard because I dont get to see him as much right now since he's still going through training and etc. As his girlfriend, I have to be mentally strong to support him and be loyal. If he gets orders to leave, he has to go. He has no choice. It's so hard for us, but I promised him I'd wait and be patient and always stand by his side. I miss him so much! We're getting engaged soon when he comes home and we plan to get married in the spring. I really can't wait to start my new life with him! The hardest job is being the girlfriend of a marine.

Even though I am happy and moved through my depression and medical conditions, I have developed a new disorder about 3-4 months ago. I noticed I started having lots of thoughts of the future and the rapture. I couldnt calm down or stop shaking. I couldnt sleep or stop thinking about irrational thoughts. I would have to keep myself busy constantly with nonsense. I realized that it was severe anxiety attacks that caused me to panic. It effected my physical wellness. It's the worst feeling in the world. I feel alone and stuck as if the world is moving without me. I dont understand why I have them but they're not as bad anymore. I'm just tired of all these "what if" thoughts in my head about the future and what will happen. I'm trying really hard to seek treatment for it. I've been having anxiety attacks these past weeks since i am going through withdrawals from my pain medications. Its hard to no have anyone who understands. The best way for me to get over the attacks, I tell myself I'm not the only one and that it will pass. I found people on youtube who have the same disorder and it's really helpful to see how they overcome it and it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one. If anyone has any suggestions or can relate to me, please share cause it's one of the most terrifying feelings someone can feel.